Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Review by Loc

Indiana Jones entered the realm of pop culture icon sometime before the millennium. After The Last Crusade, Indy found himself in rarefied air, and talk to another sequel only helped to build rabid anticipation. In a way, he was doomed to unrealistic expectations as a generation of fans grew older, washed away the dullness and kept the romantic visions of heroism close to their heart. For that generation, the newest flick will be hard to meet expectations. However, expectations or not, a good summer romp is a good summer romp, and this one? Quick hit: eh, not really.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull deals with a big issue right up front: Indy’s old. Yup, unlike James Bond or Batman, Indy is one man named Harrison Ford. There are no replacements, no updates, no substitutions. And when Harrison Ford happens to have aged in the last 20 years, then that means he’s 20 years older in this flick as well. Good, that’s great.

But with a slow moving first half hour, one begins to realize how old and weary Indy really is now. Sure, the flick acknowledges it, Harrison Ford acknowledges it, even you acknowledge it on a conscious level. However, at a subconscious level, no one wants to see their idols or heroes grow old. And Indy is old, he moves slower, he walks with a plodding pace, and he’s just not that spry superhero we all wish he was. Sniffles.

Regardless of the jolting reality of an old man, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull doesn’t hold up well to its lineage. Every Indy flick, whether good or bad, was an Indiana Jones flick. He was the everyman hero before Die Hard’s Jim McClane hit the screen. He had swagger, he had panache, he was an icon. His adventures, over-the-top, steeped in more mysticism than most remember, were tall tales worth watching. Unfortunately, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull treads more closely to the mundane than not. There are brief flashes of Indy in there, getting out of the quicksand or firing the rocket launcher, but those are all too short. More than not, Indy moves along as a muted version of himself, rarely offering the charisma and bravado that Indiana Jones should inhabit.

Instead, there’s a vague and convoluted plot, things involving the supernatural and the science-fiction worlds. It’s not the fantasy that drags on though, it’s the lazy storytelling and contrived plot occurrences that miss the mark. Even the introduction of Indy is a mysterious point of convenience. Sure it gets to the story quickly, but why he was captured in the trunk of a military convoy is never explained or referred to later. Where puzzles and riddles in The Last Crusade offered clever and adaptive storytelling, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull tries to dress up plot conveniences as the same, but pales in the effort.

The action sequences miss as well. Stuff like the extended jeep fight or the huge city of gold are mostly blah and even border on ridiculous. Case in point, Shia Labeouf’s re-enactment of George of the Jungle/Spider-man is utterly ridiculous. It may be aiming to be fun and light-hearted for the kiddies, but honestly, it was just groan-inducing. Plus, you got an old Indy looking old, but trying to move young, it’s a painful sight.

Lastly, the characters are very blah as well. Harrison Ford as Indy is still mostly golden, although there’s much more “golden years” in this performance than any other. Yet, every other character exhibits little to hold on to. Karen Allen returns as Marion Ravenwood, who also embodies more oldness than coolness. Cate Blanchett’s acting ability allows her to elevate her caricature into something a little more deep, but not much more. Ray Winstone and John Hurt roles are little more than bit parts. Surprisingly, Shia LaBeouf is not annoying as Mutt Williams, but that doesn’t make him a good or engaging character. It just means he’s not Jar Jar Binks.

Overall, this flick doesn’t live up to the Indiana Jones mantle, which is a shame. There’s a bit too much randomness, much too little depth in the story or characters, and just a willingness to skate along the surface of all that is Indy. However, with all of that, it’s still a somewhat entertaining flick, something to sit through with relative ease. And hell, it’s better than any Mummy or National Treasure out there. Out of 20 years of aging, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wrinkles up with 12 years. Oh, and I can’t believe they utilized swarms of CGI death ants! That crap was in The Scorpion King, nooooo!