Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Review by Loc

I’ll begin with my Transformers diatribe and a reflection of the state of movies. Look, just because Michael Bay acknowledges he pisses in the face of fans all over doesn’t mean it’s a legitimate reason to make shitty movies. You want to treat Transformers as a separate entity, untied to 30 years of history and fan worship? That’s fine, it’s stupid, but fine. But that defiant attitude that you take with it doesn’t mean you’ve done a good job. Shitty movies with no semblance of plotting and pacing are bad. Shitty movies with no attempt at logic are worse. And your willingness to not only accept your shortcomings, but flaunt them with a suck-it-if-you-don’t-like attitude is insulting, not to fans, but to humanity. We’re not that dumb, and all of us, me included, should do a better job of speaking with our wallets and avoid the platters of poo that are served up. Quick hit: I didn’t care for Transformers too much, in case you were wondering.

On to the movie. Picking up a couple years after the first, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen takes a couple minutes to recap. Open with a little action, a little covert mission that sets up the general situation, cool enough. Lots of explosions, lots of crap getting destroyed, whatevers. But then you get another hour of supposed plot building, but is actually just boring crap involving Shia acting overwhelmed and his parents being goofs, and you start to get that numb-ass feeling. Not good.

Cutting to the chase, the good-guy Autobots have been working with the US government in a don’t-ask-don’t-look way, killing the lingering Decepticons on Earth. Call me old-fashioned, but seeing the good-guys rip the bad-guys in half or blow their heads off seems a little off. I don’t know, aren’t good-guys supposed to show a little compassion or honor? Guess not, rip his face off Optimus!

On to the plot, somehow it’s taken two years for the Decepticons to mount an offensive. They steal some fragments of stuff, revive Megatron, who was dumped at the bottom of the ocean, and begin to hunt down Shia because the little kid is the key to something. Doesn’t really matter as plotting isn’t exactly the purpose of this flick. But even in that one sentence summary, the glaring logic-holes are hard to overcome. So you have Autobots killing the shit out of the bad guys, but the baddest bad guy, you dump at the bottom of the ocean? Why not just rip his face off? Why not blow a hole in his head like the other bad guys you find? Oh, because then you wouldn’t be able to get to the next scene…I see.

Moving on to the special effects, stuff looks shiny. But if you’re gonna spend time properly setting up the enormity of these robots, why make the action scenes extreme close-ups? And if you’re gonna make them shiny, why not make them a little easier to tell apart. Near the end, a bunch of silver bots are fighting, which might be Decepticons since they’re the ones that get blown up. But really, is it that hard to destroy a couple more character legacies and make them distinct? Plus, the action is so in-your-face that you can’t tell what’s going on. Except, shit is being beat up and big things crash into big buildings. Fun.

Let’s get to the heart of this flick: teenage id-fantasy. Big robots, check. Bigger explosions, check. Hot babes, check. Yes, Megan Fox is hot in this flick again. You wouldn’t think it’s possible to cram a dozen slow-mo running scenes with her, but it is! Bless the desserts of Egypt for providing the proper setting for escaping explosions in slow-motion abundance. Also of note, Isabel Lucas, who plays a hot-for-Shia college freshman. Never mind that she’s a robot-in-disguise, only mind that she’s onscreen. Man, I wish I were a horny teenager, this would be great! Oh and Shia is in this. Again, geek fantasy as someone so schmucky somehow maintains a relationship with arguably the hottest It-girl of the moment. Power to the 14-year-olds of the world!! Oh, and the demolition balls for the giant robot Devastator, hey, you can’t go wrong with a testicle joke.

For the long time fans, you’ll notice some “inspiration” from the classic animated movie and series: the inclusion of the Matrix of Leadership, an Optimus moment or two, even the Fallen draws comparison to one planet-eating Unicron in terms of motivation. Yet, it’s done poorly, oh well. One thing that was nice was a return to character traits: the Starscream and Megatron relationship finally added a little character to these guys and gave them a little more personality.

OK, but here’s the thing. You knew all of this before you walked into the theater. My opening mission statement aside, you get exactly what you expect from Michael Bay. And strangely enough, this might be a more entertaining flick than the first one. It is long, but when it’s rolling through explosions, they’re better explosions than the first. Plus, the sheer absurdity is higher, making it easier to laugh at the flick without being mad at it. Case in point, there’s an “old” Transformer, so old, he has a cane…yes, a mechanical, transforming cane. And he’s Scottish. I will say no more.

Overall, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen offers nothing but melted brain cells and a vehicle towards a future reality detailed in Idiocracy. But, it’s a semi-entertaining attempt at it. Are the logic holes passable? No, not even close, but you shouldn’t bring logic to this party. Again, my argument is that we shouldn’t accept this type of attitude, but that’s for the future, nothing you can change about that in this movie. Out of 10,000 year old pyramids, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ages ungracefully with 4500 years. This shall be the summer where my favorite toylines in childhood get destroyed, with GI Joe coming up in August. Whoo hoo.