Summer Movie Preview!
By Loc
Summer used to be simple. You had one gigantic, ginormous, inescapable flick for the July 4th weekend. Then, you threw in a pretty big guy at the beginning of summer for Memorial Day weekend. Sprinkle in some stuff between May and June, finish it off with August drek, done and done.
But this summer, goodness gracious, we got a plate full of franchtastic offerings that’ll leave you salivating for more! It’s like the worst of instant gratification, and it’s all for you!
So here’s a rundown of the biggest of the big and what they’re looking like at this exact moment:
May 4: Spider-Man 3
Why wait till July when you can rope in audiences before school is even out? Hell yes, less than one month away, Spider-Man is gonna kick official ass. Why? Cause the masses spoke and Sam Raimi listened, delivering the black-costumed, symbiote-oozing Venom to the big-screen. Yes, Spider-Man 2 was eh. Yes, Spider-Man 3 has around fifteen villains to share the screen time. But Raimi’s too smart and his script will whittle it down. Here’s hoping certain baddies *cough* New Goblin *cough* Sandman *cough* will be early obstacles, setting the stage for some mean symbiote action! Venom vs Spidey, hell yes.
Anticipation Grade: A
May 11: 28 Weeks Later
How do you follow-up the zombie flick that re-kick-started the genre? With the sequel 5 years later. Ooof, talk about not capitalizing on your momentum. The first was cool because, 1) you had freaky ass zombies sprinting at you instead of zombie-walking, and 2) it was shot on a digital camcorder for around $20. What about the sequel? I really don’t care one way or the other, maybe I’ll sneak into the zombie-flick in between Spider-Man viewings.
Anticipation Grade: C
May 18: Shrek the Third
To be honest, the first Shrek was just aight with me. Funny, I guess. Great? No. But the second one came out, and man did that hit every joke right on the head. Just super solid writing and genuine adult comedy, perfection. It might have been BMF’s top movie of the year, if I do recall. So, while it’s taken another three years for a sequel, this one should be damn fine. But, in the back of my head, that sinking feeling of trying to hard and not-being-funny keeps creeping up. It might be great, but it might be not-great, too.
Anticipation Grade: A-
May 25: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Are you kidding me? Every week of May is a sequel or a threequel, does Hollywood no longer make new movies. Does it only pander to previous success? Well, that’s fine by me! The first Pirates was simply the best movie of the decade. That’s right, I said it, I’ll say it again, the first Pirates was the best movie in the last five years. Pirates two sucked. I’ll say that again, too. The sequel was overlong, overblown, and focused on trying to recreate the magic of the first instead of creating new magic for the second. Jack became a bumbling, lecherous oaf instead of calculating, mischievous master thief, and everyone else sucked. But, part three looks epic, looks grand. And maybe they’re trying too hard to make a grand finale. But sign me up, I’ll still go, even if it is to watch the mighty trilogy sink under its own grandiose weight.
Anticipation Grade: B+
June 8: Ocean’s Thirteen
Seriously, I’m looking at my list of movies, we don’t get to a non-sequel for another three weeks. But who cares if the sequality is greatness! OK, enough hyperbole, the Ocean gang is back! Eh, the last time was less than stellar. Ocean’s Eleven was an awesome throwback to movie stars destroying the silver screen in coolness. But then, they wanted to bottle the lightning and followed it up with a European vacation. Literally. The cast hung out in Europe and decided to fit in a movie filming, too. Damn rich bastards. Moving on, Ocean’s Thirteen returns the cast to Vegas, adds in Al “I’m YELLING now for NO reason” Pacino. Trailers look blah, but can’t count out the coolness of Clooney and Pitt.
Anticipation Grade: B-
June 15: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
I like comics, but that doesn’t mean I geek out for comic movies. Spider-Man has been a great franchise, Batman Begins was a great reboot, Superman Returns was an awesome sleep aid. And the first Fantastic Four, well I actually liked it when I first saw it. It was a fun summer movie and didn’t try to do much more than that. Sure, it doesn’t stand up to multiple viewings, but for what it was, goofy fun and Johnny Storm is always good stuff. So what about the rising of a Silver Surfer? Well, the special effects look decent. The acting looks blah, and they increased Jessica Alba’s role because she acts so well. No, she isn’t. That leaves this as an iffy proposition.
Anticipation Grade: C
June 22: Evan Almighty
How do you follow-up a Jim Carrey comedy that was run-of-the-mill? Have Steve Carell star in the sequel! Carell was the bumbling newscaster in the first flick who did an amazing job of getting punked by Carrey with an adlib festival worthy of its own sequel. Wait, they did that! Hehehe, times are a’changing. Carrey’s comedy star is fading, Carell is the emerging comedy star of the moment. This could be good, but it looks like the focus is on doing a Noah’s Ark type send-up. I’m non-pulsed.
Anticipation Grade: C+
June 29: Ratatouille
Pixar, golden. That used to be reality, Toy Story, A Bug’s Life, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, everything was golden. Best animated flicks, best stories, best everything. Then they sold themselves to Disney. Now, all the creative juices are dispersed across the Disneyplex, and Pixar just isn’t Pixar no mo. But, Cars and Ratatouille shouldn’t be affected by the sell-out, they were being produced way before the merger. Ah, but perception is reality, and Cars was just another CGI flick, the first Pixar film I haven’t seen. And this one, about some French rat? Eh, expectations are low. So sad. A couple years ago, this would have top-lined the list.
Anticipation Grade: C+
June 29: Live Free of Die Hard
Hahahahaha. Live free, or DIE HARD, hahaha. That’s like Die Hard 2: Die Harder, bwhwhahahah. OK, Bruce Willis was cool, got uncool, came back and got cool again, and now is sorta, kinda cool. When he’s the beat up, run down, underdog, good. When he’s John Yippee-Ki-Yeah McClane, eh. This is like Rocky 8 or Terminator 9. Sometimes, you just gotta walk away. One bright spot, Bullock from Deadwood is the villain. Bulllllock, he of such constipated goodness.
Anticipation Grade: C-
July 4: Transformers
The Transformerssssssss, deh dah deh dah deh dahhhhhh, the Transformerssssssss. Man, that movie theme was awesome, synch-rock goodness you can’t possibly recreate. Back then, it was an animated movie with Spock and Citizen Kane as voices, it couldn’t get better. Now, you get Michael Bay. And insect-looking robots. And Michael Bay. That dude ascended, peaked, and fell with one movie, The Rock. After that, Pearl Harbor anyone? This movie is gonna suck. But, will it suck in the fun summer way, or just suck. Well, from early trailers, it looks like its just gonna suck. But, looks can be deceiving…oh snap, I just spouted off the Decepticon motto! Hell yeah, I rule!
Anticipation Grade: B-
July 13: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
It was the worst book of the bunch. A huge regression from The Goblet of Fire, a whiny-ass Harry for half the book, a story that didn’t do anything for three-quarters of the book, and overall boredom. Yippee, now we can see the film version. Bah, I’ll just watch Goblet again. But I can’t, it’s summer, must…see…hyped…movies...arghhhhh.
Anticipation Grade: C
July 20: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Adam Sandler, fireman, marries King of Queens to get benefits. Let’s see, both are homophobic stereotypes that get themselves into “funny” situations before a major catastrophe threatens their real friendship, forcing them to learn about each other and become truly “loving” friends and accepting of the homosexual stereotypes they so loudly made fun of before. Throw in a love interest and those complications, brings you to about 116 mins of pure crap in a hat.
Anticipation Grade: D-
July 27: The Simpsons Movie
Why go to the theaters to see something I can see every Sunday? Shouldn’t they have made a Simpsons movie around 12 years ago when they were pop culture icons? Well, this just means the movie will actually be well made and finely honed comedy. That’s what I predict. Still, hard to get me out to the theaters to see it.
Anticipation Grade: C+
August 3: The Bourne Ultimatum
Every Bourne flick has been like a pounding headache. It just rips through you without remorse and leaves you lying on the ground like a helpless infant. That’s so extreme imagery I just threw out there. I digress, every Bourne flick has been intense and damn good. But for whatever reason, I’ve never gotten too in to the world of Jason Bourne. Matt Damon is a cool guy, but he never seems like an amnesia-suffering uber-spy. He seems like some ass-kicking dude who has to fight with newspapers. I’m sure this one will be good, too. I just don’t know how hyped I am about it.
Anticipation Grade: B-
August 10: Rush Hour 3
Um, was there a need for this? Rush Hour was pretty good, but Rush Hour 2 was horrible. Wasn’t it? I don’t really remember it, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good. So why do part 3? Why not I guess. Blah
Anticipation Grade: D
And there you have it, 15 movies to look forward to this summer. Now, here’s the thing, these 15 movies will play a very large part of the next BMF contest!! Intrigued? Well, it’s coming soon, so be on the look out.
