Terminator Salvation

Review by Loc

Remember when Eddie Furlong was a small kid? He was tiny enough for Arnold to pick up while riding a motorcycle and plop Eddie in front of him like a two year old. Guess what? Eddie is hella fat now, like gigantic fat. Shame. But it kinda reflects the state of the Terminator franchise. Once sleek and cool, the killer robots from Skynet are now bloated caricatures, toy props and merchandising machines. However, Christian Bale wants to change this, to change the course of history and avert the total downfall of the once-fresh franchise. Did he do it? Quick hit: like the inevitability of Judgment Day, Terminator Salvation falls victim to its destiny, the fourth movie in the franchise.

What does that mean? It means it sucks. How many fourth installments are good? I count one, Harry Potter, and that’s really a result of a seven-edition book series. No no, Terminator Salvation falls prey to what most franchises do, and that’s craptaculation. Stupid script. Stupid characters. Overly important rallying points. Stupid plotting. About the only thing going for it is the special effects, not Christian Bale. Sad. Like a fat Eddie Furlong.

The biggest miss is the overall storyline. Yes, the trailers set up a nice, dark take. But if you really want to see a good Terminator 4 movie, you should stick to the trailer and make up the rest in your head. Because the flick that comes out on the silver screen is mostly trite, unsophisticated dribble. The foundation is there: Christian Bale as the badass John Connor. The mysterious Marcus Wright who seems to be an amnesia-plagued robot. The unending march to Skynet’s total domination. It’s all right there, right? Then, you get past the two-minute highlight trailers and build out a story, and have the stupid police control the content. Ooof, its bad.

For instance, terminators fighting humans…killer robots programmed to “terminate” waste their time with fist fights? Really? The T-1000 poked people through the head with his liquid metal. Original Arnold drove a truck into a police station then killed all the cops. Now? The baddest models are busy having hand-to-hand combat with their most prized targets?? Um, ok.

And what about the vaunted “resistance”? You have the head honchos hanging out in a submarine, led by Michael Ironside, who no longer brings gravitas, but does bring cheesy in hearty amounts. Then you have random “freedom fighters” hanging out like Mad Max rejects. I mean, if they’re already that screwed, why didn’t Skynet just wipe them out? You know, send your gigantic gunships and just completely annihilate everyone. No? Rather hunt them and gather them up like cattle? And why is that? Oh, never explained. Maybe slightly alluded to, but um, the reasoning still doesn’t make sense.

Lastly, you have John Connor headquarters, which looks like a bleak version of Matrix’s Zion. And you have a bunch of “time tested” troops who act like they’re in an action movie. Seriously? There was more intensity in the three minute flashbacks from T1 and T2 than there was in the entire movie. Blahhh.

The cast wasn’t even a shining point. So much has been made about A) Christian Bale’s intensity on set and B) Sam Worthington’s turn as his nemesis/ally/foil Marcus. Well, A) Christian Bale’s intensity really led to low gravely voice and loud yelling, and B) Sam Worthington had the fade-in-fade-out Australian accent throughout the whole flick, which was awesome. Throw in Anton Yelchin, who was very good as Checkov in the new Star Trek, as a weinny Kyle Reese, spouting off famous lines with all the flare of a pre-pubescent goofball, and you’re killing the legacy of Terminator almost as bad as Terminator 3. At least Terminator 3 is widely disregarded as non-canonical, but this one was supposed to reset the course.

Last thing, and this is a stylistic choice that I would have made. When the non-surprise cameo comes up, it was a wasted money shot in a wholly incoherent and stupid climax. Imagine a stupid fight scene predicated on ridiculous logic and there you have the ending of Terminator Salvation. I would almost venture to say that Terminator 3’s ending was more satisfying in that it led to the Judgment Day inevitability that we all know and love. This ending was just dumbness, endoskeletons boxing, heart resuscitations via random electrical wires, just, I don’t want to say much more, but when little kid grasps hand of Marcus, I was laughing.

My choice, the non-surprise cameo should have been the final shot. Skynet completes its mission, and we know humans are f’d because they just made their ultimate weapon. Not the crap they gave us instead.

Overall, Terminator Salvation fails on many levels. It’s a goofy, poorly executed summer flick that tried to be serious and weighty. At least Wolverine knew what it was, even if it failed to reach that low bar it was aiming for. Terminator raised the bar then failed to qualify on the lower level it should have been. That’s like a double fail. Out of Judgment Day in 2018, Terminator Salvation shouldn’t be back with a poor 807. Let’s hope Skynet succeeds and keeps anymore Terminator drek from being produced.