Valkyrie , Gran Torino , Bride Wars

Micro-Reviews by Loc

Another trans-Pacific flight, more micro-reviews for your enjoyment. If there's one good thing about avoiding the wasteland of summer and fall movies, it's the chance to be forced to watch them to avoid complete boredom on a plane. Enjoy.


1) Valkyrie: Tom Cruise returns as Ethan Jerry Maguire Hunt in this tale about Nazi Germany and internal conflicts with Hitler. I only half-jest, as this flick really is Mission Impossible: Nazis for Cruise. All the way till we get the switch to Jerry Maguire and his "show me the money" routine for 45 minutes. If that sounds weird, then you might get the gist of this review: mundane near-crappy movie.

Here's the two sentence summary. Start with Nazi's who all speak with British accents and throw in a one-handed, eye-patched Ethan Hunt as they plot to kill their leader and make peace with the world. Then after the assassination attempt, watch as Ethan Hunt tries to sell the assassination attempt to all the athletes, oops, I mean districts, that he represents.

It's funny because Bryan Singer said everyone knows that this didn't work, but its fascinating to see it unfold. It's only fascinating if you enjoy watching people make phone calls without the use of cell phones...for 45 minutes.


2) Gran Torino: The surprise hit of the fall, Gran Torino is another fun meld of old movie characters. What do you get when you mix Clint Eastwood from Million Dollar Baby with Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid? Answer: a racist old white guy who grows a heart of gold with his Hmong neighbors.

Gotta give Eastwood credit on two fronts. One, he makes this cookie-cutter story watchable becasue he's that much of a badass. Two, he wanted to hire real Hmong people to play the roles in the movie, kudos. Too bad that meant they sucked at acting, since they weren't actors.

As bad as that might sound, and yes, they are quite bad in this movie, it's the annoying young preacher who sucks the most. And unfortunately for him, he is an actor and can't hide behind the "I'm just a regular person who got a lucky break."

Overall, its silly, but Eastwood makes it watchable. It's unintentially funny, but only because racism is funny to watch. Wait, racism is nothing to joke about. But it is OK to chuckle at.


3) Bride Wars: Seriously, you watched Bride Wars? Yes...I'm sorry. Starring Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson, Bride Wars plays up the stupidity of our generation as self-obsessed, materialistic idiots so self-important, that best friends can't sacrifice their preconceived fantasies about wedding planning. Fun. For me. To die watching. In eternal damnation.

It's not funny. It's passable. But so is gas, so that's not necessarily a compliment. Hathaway is settling into the semi-sweet Princess Diaries, Devil Wears Prada naive role well. Hudson is there. The grooms are not. The shenanigans are everything you've seen in the trailers. Not much going on here.

If you're stuck, like on a plane, and have to do something to avoid falling into a coma because you just suffered a concussion, and the flight attendants won't give you a fork to stab yourself in the arm repeatedly with, this might be worth putting on the TV screen to stare blankly at for the duration of your flight. I don't think you need headphones, just stare at the pretty colors.