Speed Racer

Review by Loc

Just a little trivia for the uninitiated: the big red “M” on Speed Racer’s helmet and car? That stands for Mifune, as in Mifune Motors, the name of the family racing business. The “G” on his shirt, that’s for Go, as in, his name. Yes, Speed Racer had a name, it was Go Mifune. Thank you for your attention. If that’s the most interesting bit in this review, well then blame the rest on the incoherent, patty-cake-ified version of the movie. Quick hit: go, Speed Racer, go…away.

I’ll be honest with you; I wanted to see this flick when it first came out. In fact, even after all the negative reviews and the bombing at the box office, I thought this would be a decent film that just didn’t catch the audience. And. I was wrong. Mistakes happen, just ask your parents why your youngest sibling was born. Ohhhh, that’s a rough one. But it’s fine, cause I’m the youngest in the family, so drink it in folks, cause my biting cynicism only gets worse.

Brought to you by the Matrix brothers, Andy and Larry Wachowski, Speed Racer is a neon-colored, computer-generated, snorefest. Get past the blinky lights, the stupid cross-screen fade shots, and the incomprehensible plot, and what you have is Mario Cart in cinematic form. While that may not seem so bad, as you and I can play three hours of Mario Cart without blinking, it does get taxing trying to finish this flick.

First, the incoherent plot is probably the least of your concerns, but bears pointing out. First, Go Mifune, or Speed Racer, as he’s named in this flick, almost gets sucked into the shadiest side of car racing by a big-time race car developer. Imagine Ford or Toyota, only evil. OK, not a good example, imagine them, very evil. OK, still not there, imagine a cross between Ford, Microsoft, and the banking crisis bail out plan. Times ten. Thousand. Once Speed turns them down, he gets wiped out cause he can’t fight “the man” by himself, he ends up hooking up with Inspector Detector and Racer X to help some Asian racer, who in-turn betrays them after winning the race, and somehow Speed ends up at the Grand Prix racing for the World Championship of the wooooooorrrrrllllldddd. Look, like I said, the plot really doesn’t matter because the point is to get to the next race.

Which is the biggest stumbling block. These races, everyone of them, is a high-gloss, CGI-slicked, suckfest. It really is Mario Cart on very low dosages of PCP. You got jumping cars, random weapons, jumping cars, bumper cars, flipping cars, jumping cars, and jack-activated jumping cars. Yes, jumping cars are quite prominent in this film. Which is weird, cause Mario Cart doesn’t have that weapon. Regardless, with so little based in some kind of reality, there is little weight or pull to each of these sequences. You figure if Speed loses, you can just restart and do the track over again. It’s really pointless and lacks thrills or excitement.

Lastly, you got the burden of trying to much. Now kids, trying is a good thing. You should always try your hardest in anything you do. Like Speed, he tries very hard in all of his races, so good for him. But, trying goes bad when it ventures into pandering and playing to an audience. The Wachowski’s screwed this up, they tried to make a family flick, and it shows. From the stupid and contrived kids, to the horrible looking fight scenes, to the random, misplaced comedy, everything stinks of “look at us” desperation. A hint to all aspiring…people, don’t speak down to an audience. Sure, you can create a flick for the whole family to enjoy, but that doesn’t mean the family’s IQ is the below 75…combined. Even though I don’t believe it, people are smarter than they seem. Make a movie, make a good movie, tell a good story, serve up some great action, and be done. Don’t take each component, run it through the wringer, and ask, “how can I familytize this?”, cause it just won’t work out.

Overall, Go Mifune misses the mark, in a very bad way. From the inexplicable insistence on calling characters by their Americanized cartoon names, ie Speed, Pops and Ma Racer, to the Tron-inspired day-glow CGI, this flick is a waste of many minutes. Out of 5 Machs in Speed’s Mach 5 car, Speed Race sputters with 2 Machs. Yes, it’s that bad.